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A Year Ago

A year ago I didn’t have peace
Walked as if I had chains on my feet
In a chain gang
Full of pain
Total complete misery
Not physically blind
But my heart couldn’t see
Soul was mortified
Death was becoming of me

If you looked closely
You could see it in my eyes
Full of depression and despise
But my mouth was telling lies
Speaking a false existence
Everything’s alright
Yes I’m okay
Not acknowledging the fact
That I pondered the thought
Of dying Everyday

How I pictured my funeral
And wondered who would come
Would they grieve, and then leave
Go watch a game and talk about who won
What would they say?
Oh just another black girl who died today
Wasn’t she gay?
Oh that’s a shame
I hope she knew God.
Maybe she didn’t
And that’s why her mother
Cried so hard

September 7th 2004
How I wanted it to be me
Instead of my best friend
Who knocked on heavens door
These are some things that I thought about daily
Along with visualizing my death
In different scenarios, punished severely
Down and out, I walked in Condemnation
Holding hands with Satan
Vainly trying to solve the problems
I was creating

By myself, not fully willing
To submit
Under the Authority of God
Yet, it’s ironic how I called for Jesus
Those nights I cried so hard
I was scarred
Used by men, women, and some family
Called myself raped by the system
But it was me who was doing the damaging

Stabbed with sin
Bleeding from pain
Of some self inflicted wombs
A zombie in darkness
When Christ died, so I could consume
Everlasting life
I became tired
So I fought to get out of that tomb
Became born again
Like I was fresh from the womb

The next step, I closed some doors
Those perverted folks
I couldn’t roll with no more
Ungodly counsel
Put on hold for too long
What God had in store
I had to humble myself
Move back home
And start from scratch
Confessing that everything
Taken from me
God was taking it back
There’d be no lack
If I continued on the journey
I regained My Life
So listen to the story…

The Autobiography of a Daddy’s Girl: Part 1

Copyright 2005 by Divyne